The rules

I ask that you come
 Not with mind made up
Not with bias and judgement
Not ready for war
But that you come open
Ready to take things as they are
And not how you have built them to be
 If there is bias, let it pass
If there is dislike, let it wane
If there is a reason to be rude or unjust
Try to fight for positivity and honesty
 If you assume someone will hurt you
You will just look for ways for them to do so
And in the end no one will have won.
 I ask that you try
Not for me, not for you
But because it is the right thing to do

The Dance

What to do when you are coming down from cloud nine
When things aren't as shiny and glossy as before
As you start to question what it is you thought you saw

What do you say when the niceness has worn off
When the things you used to cherish are no more
As you wonder is you made it all up in your head

What exactly do you do when the spark is gone
When you know you can no longer stand it
As you start to feel disdain and regret

What pray tell do you do when the music is over
When it seems like a joke to go one
As you pretend things are better then they really were

What, I am asking you, do you do
When it comes down to you and your heart
As your brain does its part, finally showing up to the dance

You bow and say.... good night.

Her - Part II

"I'll wait" she said
"I'll be patient for you,
and when you are ready to chose I'll be here,
 waiting to fulfill your need
To take my place as your supporter, cheerleader and lover
I'll be here ready to understand you,
Care for you
Love you
....just as you are"
These words she said to him
because she was ready to take the leap
Ready to jump in because of lessons
From missed opportunities
From  unfulfilled promise
To him they might have been just words
But she felt them,
Deep Honest and True
She showed him her spirit
And he held back,
He held the door ajar but not open
He muddied the path with confusion and aloofness
So before he was ready to decide to let her in
She was gone

Him - Part I

"I'll be patient" he said
 "I'll wait for you,
and when you are ready I'll be here
waiting for you take this gift of love
To take your place at my right hand
Ill be here willing to support you
Understand you
Love you
.....love you just as you are"
These words he said to me
as I giggled them off
as I let them slip into the confines of my mind
Let it pass over me, as foolish talk of a potential lover
They were just words
Until he showed me
....showed me just what love was
More than lip service
This man was honor and justice and truth
He was meaning and understanding
The very essence that I have spoken of so many times before
And just as I was ready to open the door
He was gone.

My Apologies

Yes, I missed a day. Forgive me..

I will be sure to make it up to those who care with two posts today!

Fat girl in a little seat...

407-Pound Woman Denied Flights Home, Dies Abroad

 This story (linked above) made me think of so many things.

When I was bigger, I remember flight attendants giving me funny looks sometimes when I boarded airplanes, or being extra loud when asking me if i needed a seat belt extender. They weren't all like that. Some would discreetly hand me seat belt extenders before I asked for them. Like they were handing me some forbidden object that was secret and vile all at the same time. There were some who felt that my comfort was just as important as everyone else on the plane. But those were few and far between. What most of them saw was a potential issues. And I suppose that is their job. They have to be aware of whats going on on the plane so they can prepare. But I dont think many people enjoy being looked at like an "issue".

 I remember people being asked to be moved because they thought they would be cramped sitting next to me. The alarmed looks of people as i moved down the isle towards their row. I could almost hear them praying pleading in their mind "Please dont let her seat be next to me. Trust me Mr. Business Man, I dont want to be squished next to you either. I want my personal space. I dont want to go home smelling like your cologne, but we dont have much choice so why not be a dear and not hog the arm rest. 

About those arm rests, as a girl with hips I have built in places to rest my arms. And those arm rests get in the way. Its much more comfy for me to have them up. Well the one on the right side anyway. I like to sit on the left side of the plane, not sure why but its a preference. And I like the window. Because when I get on a plane I dont move. I buckle up and im there until we land. Nothing worse than someone in a window seat who has a love affair with going to the bathroom. But I digress.

I remember the looks of precocious children, who apparently had never seen a fat black woman before. Being stared at like you are an animal, some specimen to be examined and critiqued is not always fun. I remember.

I dont wave the fat flag. I dont see any merit in being unhealthy and large. I do support confidence and self assurance tho. Not every fat person is unhealthy, not every thin person is fit. So its a balance. Its  an issue. Its something we need to not avoid, but...no one ever wants to talk about it.

Chronicles of Melony 3.0 : single life

Humility

So recently the theme of humility has been on my mind. And as it happens I have been noticing the theme play out around me. Seeing evidence of its value in my online dealings and in the physical world. Humility is a wonderful trait that some people have not yet mastered.

I think sometimes it get confused for meekness, or shyness, or not knowing how to stand up for one's self. But humility is really just you putting others before yourself. And not the kind of selflessness that is self serving, but the kind that knows where your efforts are best put to use.

The sermon in church today along with tings Ive just noticed int he world around me reminded me that more people need to be humble, so much could come of us thinking of others for just a bit more of the time

Chronicles of Melony 3.0 Random

Chronicles of Melony 3.0 : Stuff about me

Chronicles of Melony 3.0: Emotions

Chronicles of Melony Countdown to 3.0:

it's our money

It honestly bugs me how some people wait til this time of year to pull out their judgmental hats and tell others what they should do with their money. These are usually the same people who complain that others are over paid. Lament about not being adequately financially compensated.

If we should all be frugal and less materialistic... why do you need more money? Why so you need money at all?

I know my answers to these questions. I like money I enjoy the freedom it brings. I would like more of it. And I don't think that makes me a bad person, nor does wanting things . Its only when my enjoyment of money over shadows my basic human kindness that problems would arise. Greed is the sin. Nor the having or spending of money. 

I think telling people how you think they should spend their money is kinda rude. I mean besides tithing.. how I spend my money is between me and GOD

Feelings

Sometimes its the words you don't say 
The things you don't do
It's the way you aren't here
Its how you don't make me feel

Those are the things that let me know how you really feel about me

Countdown to 3.0

So... its my birthday. WOO HOO right? Well actually its funny. This is the first year my enthusiasm for my birthday was not freakishly over enthusiastic. It might have to do with my current health issues. It could be my current bout with depression. But I don't think its those things because I have faced birthdays with these issues before and still was excited. The day before my birthday was always like Christmas eve. I was excited! What would this new year bring? What would I learn? Where was I going? Was I where I thought I would be? (the answer to this has always been no)

I would really hate to think that the issue this year is that its my last year as a "20something". As I write that I remember the title of this blog and cringe. This is the last year I can post here. heh. Well if that's the case lets make it a good year aye?

So this is my commitment to you, reader, and me, writer, that I will leave you something here every day. Poems, songs, links, vids, something to document this last year as a 20 something. And maybe along the way we can come up with a title for the next phase of my life I might chose to document on the internet.

I have always treated birthdays the way people treat the new year. I don't make resolutions but I reevaluate goals. And my main goal for 29 is to prepare for 30. Wish me luck

Happy Birthday to me.

All and nothing

All she ever wanted was to be chosen
To be more than just a option
A reason to stop what you were doing
And be the one who mattered

All she ever needed was to be loved
Not for what she could do
But for all that she was
And to know that it was true

All she ever cared about was attention
The right kind that showed care and respect
Not the kind hidden from the public eye
And to be treated like the lady that she is

All she ever hoped for was a companion
Someone to match her love and care
Who allowed her to be all she was
And loved her anyway

All she ever dreamed of was that her dreams would come true
That she could fulfil the promise of her spirit
Be the shining example for those who needed
And to be understood by people like you

Some wishes are never granted...

Words....

I am addicted to words

The way they mold and shape thought
They bring meaning and understanding
Turn melody into song
Turn pictures into stories
They can change emotions and feeling
They can tear down or build up
Mighter that sword and gun
Longer lasting than time and sound
They linger int he heart and mind
They reflect the essense within
They mask the truth
The reveal the meaning
They are so changeable and encompasing
Contradicting and simplifying
Confusing and unifying

They have so much power

and yet

They are just words....

She won

She wins, I cant fight any more
Everything I have longed for and wanted she has
Everything she touches flees from me
Everytime there is a choice she is the victor
The fight is over , she wins

She doesnt even know its a battle
Shes just doing what she always does
Filling each space with her aura
Few resist her charms
Though they complain about her essence
They continue to hang on, she wins

She smiles at this misfortune
Pain in others brings her joy
She knows she has few claims to fame
But enough power to claim this victory as her own
She will cherish this win, but hide her glee
She will act like she did nothing, and know that she wins

She knows that I am hurting
She thinks I deserve this pain
She will convince the world the fault in mine
That I brought this on myself
That I cause my own pain
And she will carry on because, she won

Chose one

Depression hurts.
It's a pain that cant be explained
It cant be willed away
It can not be ignored
It can not be pushed aside
It builds until you face it

Sadness can build
Take you to a place thats are to see from
Take you to the limit of your joy
Take away your hope
Take the peace you long for
Take you down until there no where esle to go

Anger needs action
There is nothing that will soothe you
There is no words to calm your soul
There will be retribution
There must be a solution
There will be an end

Happiness takes effort
A choice must be made
A force of positivity
A understanding of the world
A decision to be more than you feel
A reason to be

I have always chosen the harderst path...

Letting go

The feeling never really goes away
Though we convince ourselves that it's gone
Small triggers will always remind
Words and places that bring to mind thing
We never can forget

Trying to relieve oneself of things that hurt
Ignore the constant need for closure and understanding
Stop the depression from sinking in
Not let the tears burn the skin
The pain is real

Though many will tell you its just a phase
Good and better times will come
Smile anyway, and its possible
But the feelings will always remain
If they were true and real
Don't let it take over

There is an art to getting over
A way to push the pain aside
Enjoy the things that are present
Build up the positive and revel in joys of life
But you might never Let Go.