99 Problems

I have talked about my dual personality enough that I hope you are believing me. If you know me personally it explained my contradictions. Outgoing but shy, confident with a lack of self esteem. Its a constant struggle between an actress who knows the world is her stage and the director who takes the time to observe all the players and parts to see how well they work together. And surprisingly it works for me. yea I have issues, but don't we all?

When I'm "on" I'm ON. Fully engaged, social, open, ready to be any and everything. When I'm off, you could lose me in a crowd. I think the people at work notice it the most. In a meeting among peers I show a confidence that would rival an top level executive, with a fire and passion that create a sense of urgency and demand. Anything is possible. When I am alone, uncertain, or pushed to do something I don't want to or don't understand. I become mild, meek, and subservient.  Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. In my office alone with my music, just tell me the deadline and give me specific instruction.

I spend a lot of time alone. I always have. I have found way to entertain myself. I like the company of other people, and yes I like attention (we went over that)  but not all the time. As much as I like attention, when I get too much it bothers me. The minute the tables turn I get annoyed. You don't have to give me every minute of everyday of your time. Though it may seem I want every moment of yours. I don't I have too much going on. I'm busy I need you to be busy too. Though when I want attention, I want it, right then, right there. And I'll pout til I get it, or find some other way to occupy myself until you have time. But i will still need *you* to fulfill specific my need.

In terms of animals I am not the hyper puppy who always wants to play. I am the adolescent cat who is growing out of her kitten ways. I want you to play with me when I want to play. And when I don't wanna play I DON'T want to play, and I suggest you leave me alone. Now this isn't fair. It requires someone to understand and know when I want attention and be able to give it to me, and know that I'm not "on" all the time. Sometimes I'm just confident in knowing you are there for me, should I need you. (And I would hope you would  know the same about me)

My ex roomate was the best roommate I ever had. She was there sometimes, but not all the time. I love spending time with her, but if we spent every min together we would get on each others nerves. We could go to church, enjoy the service, have brunch after, come home and just nap in the living room, falling asleep to a movie. Or She would sudoku and I would knit. No talking, just being. And it was a great time. I like low maintainace people, who I don't have to constantly entertain. I can just exisit and thats enough. Thats what I'll need in a life mate. Someone who can take me will all my issues and still love  me anyway. Someone not afraid to tell me to just breathe, remind me that I don't need to be everybodies everything. Who understands I need alone time as much as I need him to show me how much he cares.

This stems from my upbringing. I spent countless hours alone in my room. In my own little world. With my books, and music, and writing, and my mind. Such a vivid imagination, because I had all the time in the world to think. Not saying my parents weren't there for me when I needed them, sure they were. But I didn't depend on them for attention. I got what I got and spent the rest of the time with myself. Having a sister with autism also colored my needs. I was her other care giver, I spent a lot of time and attention on her. She can be totally at peace in her own little world. So I took a cue from her.

One thing I'm learning is that of my two sides, my more outgoing persona is the version I show most of the world. Those closer to me (a small few) get to see the other side. I can see the perception I give off in the online world. Its so easy to be so much more behind the screen of text. I don't for a second believe that all the people I talk to online are exactly like that in person. I just think some aspects of your personality are magnified, or conversely you  try and change something about you t o create your online persona. We all do it. There is truth in everything however. Even those of you who are being completely fake have to leave some semblance of yourself on the screen.

That's why I always dreamed of meeting my life mate in a supermarket or similar setting. Where I have to be what I am. You can see what's in my cart, I'm dressed in my most comfortable. I never wear make up ever , but I always do my hair. I am at my most open, and if I'm hungry you might also get to see my impulsive and passionate side as I gravitate toward the foods and things that I love. W could walk down the beverage isle and reminisce about our fav drinks. Or you could go to the world food section and explore, while I enjoy looking at the candy isle (its fun to just look sometimes, I don't want it, I just like looking at it). And we can come back  together at the checkout and decide where we want to go after we leave the store. That's what I want... someone to meet me at the check out. But you have to tell me exactly when you will be there.