I am crying so hard right now I dont even know if this post will make any sense. but I have to wirte it down becuase I can't talk about it, in cohearent words. And I doubt there is anyone who enjoys hearing someone cry over the phone. Sometmes I hate that i live alone, but sometimes Im very glad that I do. I was crying so loud. And I can't stop.

I am watching Desperate Housewives, one of my guilty pleasures on tv. The whole show was about the characters thinking about what could have been or what the futrue would be like if. And in on senario the mother was thinking about what if would be like if one of her children was disabled. I am very sensitive to anything to do with peopel who have different abilities. I have a sister with autisim and i see every day how she is effected by her diference.

Anyway the scene showed how the mother was forcing her son to do for himself, because ultimatly at some point she would no longer be there to do things for him. And how hard it was for her to watch him struggle, but it was for his own good. Like that scene in Ray when he was going blind. And I couldnt hold back the tears.

Those who have met my sister know that she is one of the most loving caring and kindhearted people you will ever meet. If you think I am sensitive to peopels emotions and what the think (especially of me and our relationship) then you havent seen anythign yet. SHe can sense every emotion and does a great job of letting you know she's there for you. Even if all she can do is just sit there and hold your hand.

She lives with my parents now and ever since I've moved away I know its been a responsibility for them. Not saying it wasn't before, but at least I was there to help out. I;m the one who taught her to talk especially. I was so into reading I would read to her, sing to her, do the ABC's and  we learned together. I learned how to understand her world and she learned to survive in "ours". She's 20 yrs old now, and I know that at some point my parents will no longer be able to carry on that responsibility on thier own, and I will have to take on that responsibility.

And I don't know if I am ready for it. I love my sister, with all my heart, but I don't know how I will be able to handle making her a more focal part of my life. I am more then willing too... I just feel like I might not be fully prepared. And of course I don't want to ever lose my parents. I really don't know how I will deal with that when it comes... *crying harder*

And then the other thing I think about is the man who is to be in my life. He will have to be able to deal with this as well. I come with this added responsibility. It's not the same as bringing child into a relationship, but it's close. He will have to love me enough to accept her as well. And how will I know that. maybe thats why I'm single. Maybe thats why i haven't had man long term elationships. Maybe I have to stay single. *tears* And maybe the love I have and the need for attention is built specifically for that love I have and attention I'll need to give to my sister.

Then explain the sexual desire and the want to be married? I don't know.... *tears* I know I want it. But maybe its not what i need. maybe that's why its so painful Maybe I don't deserve it... ok that's silly you say, but its how I feel sometimes.

... ok the show ended and I was still crying. But I was brought out of my tears by a request for a phone call. I hate trying to talk while crying, its very hard. But it was a good distraction, once I started talking I was able to calm down. And talking about all of this was a good release. I'm still going to be sad for a little bit... but helping someone else with there issue is a nice distraction.

Anyway I'm done crying, Gangsters don't cry, and I'm supposed to be on my Gangster ish this year....

(Anger mode reengaged)